Love Handles: Getting a Grip on What Matters Most in Marriage
Marriage is like a car that needs regular maintenance. We can't just keep driving without stopping to check the oil, rotate the tires, or address those warning lights on the dashboard. Yet so many of us do exactly that in our relationships—we keep going and going until something breaks down completely.
The truth is, marriage goes through a lot of wear and tear. We put miles on our relationships every single day. And somewhere along the journey, we need to pull over and do some honest maintenance work. We need to address those uncomfortable things we've been ignoring, fix what's broken, and update what's outdated.
The Sacred Things We've Made Common
There's a dangerous tendency in our spiritual lives to take the holy things God has given us and make them ordinary. Remember when you got your first new car? You set strict rules: no eating, no drinking, no fingerprints on the windows. But by month four, the backseat is littered with fast food wrappers and the rules have evaporated. What was once special has become common.
We do this with our marriages too. We do it with our Bibles, our worship, our time with God. We take the very things designed to transform us and treat them casually—take them or leave them, maybe or maybe not. But God is calling us back to treating the holy things as holy again.
Your Bible isn't just a book; it's a life-changing message from God to your heart. Church isn't just a building you visit on Sundays; it's God's ordained franchise on earth where He shows up in multiplied ways. And your marriage? It's the only institution God has ordained on this planet besides the church itself.
What Marriage Really Is
Mark 10 reminds us that marriage has a purpose: "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." This isn't about playing house or becoming roommates who share a Netflix account. This is about two imperfect people creating a covenant—not a contract, but a covenant—of love and respect while reflecting the love of God.
Here's a definition worth remembering: Marriage is 70 times seven. If you like to hold grudges, you will not have a healthy marriage. Every marriage requires the willingness to say "I'm sorry" and "I was wrong." You need to be willing to be the hero who steps up and says, "Being right isn't enough. I want my marriage to be healed and made whole."
There are only two types of married people: those who work on their marriage and those who don't. And here's the thing about coasting—you can only coast in one direction, and that's downhill. If you're not doing maintenance, not working on your relationship, not doing regular checkups, you're headed for a crash at the bottom of that hill.
The Respect and Love Connection
Ephesians 5 gives us a powerful framework: Husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church—an unconditional, uncompromising love. Wives are to respect their husbands. Notice it doesn't say wives should love their husbands (though of course they should). It specifically emphasizes respect because men interpret respect as love.
A wife can say "I love you" all day long, but if she doesn't demonstrate respect, her husband doesn't truly receive that love. When she honors him, affirms him, and speaks well of him, she's placing precious stones in his crown. But when she nags, criticizes, compares, or constantly corrects him, she's pulling those stones out—corroding the very foundation of the relationship.
Proverbs 12:4 captures this beautifully: "A wife of noble character is her husband's crown, but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones."
The Husband's High Calling
Men, you're called to be prophet, priest, and king in your home:
As prophet, you point your family to God
As priest, you minister to your family, pray over them, and lead them spiritually
As king, you love your people, put them first, and make decisions for their prosperity—not for your own comfort
You're also called to be provider and protector. But here's the challenge: Don't just be great at work. Be great at home. Don't just work hard for clients. Work hard for your wife and kids. Your ministry doesn't end when you walk through the door at 5 PM—it begins there.
The Bible says wives need to be adored, appreciated, admired, and loved. How's your report card looking?
The Generosity Principle
Here's a hard truth: Every marriage problem—100% across the board—can be traced back to selfishness. When marriage becomes about "me and my feelings and what I get and what I think," you're sabotaging your own relationship.
Marriage isn't primarily about making you happy. God doesn't want you miserable, but marriage is as much about making you holy as it is about making you happy. A healthy marriage happens when God puts someone in your life that you can put in front of yourself. Your life is no longer just about you—it's about how you can love unconditionally, help your spouse get closer to God, and support them in becoming the best version of themselves.
This requires genuine, authentic, abundant generosity. Ask yourself daily:
How can I be generous to my spouse?
How can I serve them?
How can I make their life better?
Starting With Words
Better marriages start with the words that come out of our mouths. Most marriages suffer from either no communication, poor communication, or disrespectful communication. You cannot respectfully roll your eyes. You cannot lovingly slam a door. You cannot honorably throw a dish.
Treat one another with love and respect in every conversation. Say things lovingly, not critically. Speak respectfully, not disrespectfully. Don't raise your voice. Don't purposely be hurtful. Don't push buttons just because you know where they are.
Make encouragement a daily habit. The word "encouragement" means to put courage into someone. Your spouse shouldn't have to go outside your marriage to hear they're beautiful, valued, or doing a great job. Those words should come from you so consistently that when someone else offers a compliment, your spouse thinks, "I know—my husband tells me that every day."
The Truce
Maybe your marriage is in a hard place right now. There's chaos, confusion, battles being fought, mind games being played. The enemy is attacking your relationship, and you're exhausted.
Can we call a truce?
You don't have to solve everything today. But can you be kind to your spouse today? Can you say nice things? Can you choose peace over being right? The issues will still be there tomorrow if you need to address them, but today—just for today—choose gentleness.
Your marriage is worth fighting for. You prayed too long, hoped too much, and invested too deeply to let it crumble. God has placed this person in your life as a gift. Treat them like the answered prayer they are.
Marriage requires work, intentionality, forgiveness, and grace. But with God at the center, two imperfect people can build something beautiful—something that reflects the very love of Christ for His church. That's not just a good marriage. That's a holy calling.